Merry Aussie Christmas
Here's to an Aussie Christmas, where we have no snow or ice,
But the gifts you'll buy are half as good, and cost you twice the price.
Children sit on Santa's knee, and his face is all aglow
As he drowns in perspiration, but he still says Ho! Ho! Ho!
You could always wait till later, for the after-Christmas sale
Where they push and shove to reach the doors, and even brave men quail.
But then there'd be no presents sitting underneath the tree.
No family to come and sit on their bums and have a feed for free.
On Christmas morn, it's pressie time, and as they're handed out
You unwrap yet another tie, and look at it with doubt.
So you needed it like a hole in the head? Well, try to sound sincere
As you thank the giver with a smile. It's what's done this time of year.
You'll all get fat on cake and pud, and no-one will dare question
Or even hint that you've stuffed yourself till you're hit by indigestion.
And while most of the family manages to maintain good will to all,
There's always one who drinks too much and wants to start a brawl.
With luck, you'll stop his mouth with cake. "Try some, it's delicious!"
And if you're even luckier, your guests will wash the dishes.
Then the kids start playing with their toys. It's like a bloody zoo.
And once they've wrecked the flamin' lot, look out! They're after you!
The day is done. They've all gone home, and just look at the mess!
But wasn't it great to have them here? You loved it. Just confess!
And now it's time, regretfully to pack away the tree.
Next year, you'll do it all again. What for? Lord, don't ask me.
Wendy Clarke, 1998